The Gods Must Be Crazy
by Caffeinegoddess
Summary: An author gets really bored and high on caffeine and decides to mess with the spacetime continuum. Multiple crossovers, full explanations inside, M for language and adult themes. Oneshot.


I don't own DMC… or any of the other fandoms violated in this fic.

_Authors are the omnipotent gods of the worlds they create, bestowed with great power and great responsibility, and it's about time I start abusing mine! Yes, I realize I should (or perhaps shouldn't) be updating "Substitution," but instead of playing through DMC2 again, I've gotten myself re-addicted to DMC1, and considering how badly I suck, it's gonna take a while._

_Plot (or something like it): An author goddess (moi) has gotten very bored and decides to screw with the space time continuum. __**Anyone who, for some twisted reason, likes this fic and can name all 4 game universes (not including DMC) in this fic may request another fic from me to their specifications… or something…**_

**_Edit(1/11/2008): Since no one seems interested, I might as well just tell you. In order or appearance: Pikmin, Resident Evil 4, Loco Roco, & Metal Gear Solid 3._**

_Rated M for language and adult situations as explained below._

_GAY ALERT!:__ This fic contains some yaoi. If you're gonna bitch and moan about it, gtfo NOW!_

_There is also an instance of nongraphic __**rape**__ in a comical setting. If that type of thing bothers you, please stop reading._

_HEY! Did you know that being sleep deprived is almost the same as being drunk? Now you do. MENTAL SCARRING COMMENCE!_

* * *

Poor Dante tossed and turned in his bed reliving his brother's fall. Maybe if he was stronger or faster he could have saved Vergil. He could have at least beaten him unconscious and dragged him home. Unbeknownst to him, a strange, chibi, purple dragon hovered outside his window watching him. 

_It's sooooooooooo sad! But no! We're already doing a serious fic! This is supposed to be a comedic break! But we can't have a funny crack plot with Dante all emo… To the demon world!_

-----

Vergil hung limply from his shackles in the deep dungeons of Hell. The chains kept him from sitting, but he was too weak to stand. Mundus had already beaten and humiliated him and began the slow process that would eventually turn him into the brainwashed badass known as Nelo Angelo.

Then, suddenly out of nowhere, in the middle of Vergil's dark, dank cell, there was a bright, sparkly, purple puff of smoke, and there appeared the chibi purple dragon. Vergil didn't think he'd lose his mind so quickly, but then again, he didn't think he'd lose at all. Maybe if he didn't acknowledge it, the oddly flamboyant figment of his imagination would dissipate. But no, the glittering eyesore just stood there, staring at him, waiting for a reaction.

"Alright, who, and what the Hell are you?"

The purple abomination squealed with delight and exclaimed in a strange, androgynous voice, "In the real world, I'm the Caffeine Goddess, but here as an author god, I can do a lot more than whip up a cappuccino."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Well for instance, I could bust you out of here."

"What!? How!?"

"Like this."

The purple dragon snapped its claws and the two disappeared in a glowing puff of smoke.

Meanwhile, in the human world it was already almost noon, but Dante couldn't find any reason to get up, so he hadn't. He just lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and twirling his beloved handguns like a seasoned pro. Suddenly, a bright, purple portal opened up above him and before he could react, a beaten, battered, but still hot copy of himself landed square on his exposed stomach, knocking the wind right out of poor, unsuspecting Dante. Hovering above both of them, admiring the view, the Caffeine Goddess giggled like a moron, until…

**BANG!!!**

"OW!! YOU SHOT ME, YOU ASS!!"

"Wow Vergil. I thought you hated guns. And by the way, what the hell are you doing here?"

"That violet nimrod brought me here. I don't know why."

"Hey! You should be a lot nicer to someone who just saved you from decades of torture."

The creature pouted its scaly lips.

"But surely you must want something in return."

"Well now that the two of you are reunited and not so angst ridden, we can have some fun."

"Fun?"

"Yeah! I'm extremely bored, and as a god, I get to mess with the space-time continuum and several different fandoms for fun!"

Dante stared in disbelief. "Space-time continuum? What are you, some god damned trekkie?"

"And damned proud of it!"

"HAH! Fucking nerd!"

"Alright buddy. You asked for it! Hold onto your Heisenberg Compensators(1), 'cuz here we go!"

**POOF!**

-----

"Oh, Sparda! Give me more!"

Vergil quickly wrapped his hands over Dante's mouth before his brother could scream bloody murder at the sight of their dearly departed mother in a skanky dominatrix getup riding their legendary, and currently quite helpless, father in a way only a brave woman like Divine Star(2) could have imagined. Not only would drawing the copulating couple's attention lead to an extremely awkward situation, it could also interrupt their very conception, which needless to say, would've been very bad. The two quietly, but quickly shimmied against the wall towards the door and stormed out. The racket was not lost on Sparda's demonically enhanced hearing.

"Uh, dear, did you hear that? I had better go investigate-"

"Oh, no you don't! You're gonna stay here and do me, you dirty devil you!"

"…Yes, dear…"

Once out of the danger zone, Vergil released Dante so he could proceed to freak out.

"Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!"

"Don't fucking say that now!"

Vergil, despite his normally calm exterior, was also quite well disturbed. The Caffeine Goddess materialized in front of them, laughing maniacally.

"Hahah! That was freaking awesome!"

"No!" Dante struggled to speak as he hyperventilated." "That was absolutely horrible! I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Really? Because if you can't handle that, you really won't like the rest I've got planned for you."

"…Say what?"

**POOF!**

-----

Vergil looked around as the smoke cleared. Dante was nowhere to be found. He appeared to be in some kind of forest… of shamrocks and dandelions… _Great, either I'm Alice in fucking Wonderland, or someone spiked my tea with acid._

"Piiiiiikmiiiiiiiin!"

"What the hell?"

Vergil looked down to find a strange, red creature with a rather long nose and a long antenna topped with a single green leaf that reached up to his waist. The thing attempted to whack him with its leaf, managing one solid smack to his unguarded crotch."

"GAH! Fuck off!"

Vergil kicked the hapless creature over the horizon. Suddenly, an army of similar red, blue, and yellow creatures began pouring out of the foliage, squealing with nasally, high-pitched battle cries, swarming around Vergil and pouncing on him. They proceeded to pummel him with their leaves, and one yellow creature lobbed a rock at his head, knocking him out.

When he came to, he found the creatures had bound him with alien grass and were carrying him off. In the distance, he could see what looked like three alien ships. Images of horror flicks involving flying saucers and anal probes entered his mind.

"…Shit."

-----

Dante had his own problems. He'd materialized on top of some white dude with short, brown hair, blue eyes, and a face that somewhat slightly resembled his own.(3) He was armed, but unfortunately out of ammo. Any inquiries were set on hold as the revving motor of the double bladed chainsaw wielded by none other than Super Dr. Salvador ripped through the air.(4) The two would've shat bricks at the sound if they weren't busy hauling ass. Dante, despite his expedited healing, didn't really feel like playing with the psycho chainsaw man. Few creatures, badass demons not included, could survive decapitation. _Fucking cockroaches think they're so hot just 'cuz they can live a week without a head and survive nuclear holocaust…_ The two reached a dead end.

"Well… It's been nice knowing you, dude."

"Hey, Barney, I know you're out there watching!"

"What the fuck!? You're praying to Barney? Fucking Jesus couldn't save us!"

A sudden male voice boomed from the heavens. "Well I sure won't now, dick!"(5)

"Hey, Bar… err… goddess… you won't be able to have much fun with me chopped up into pieces, right?"

There was no answer, and the two shut their eyes as Dr. Salvador closed in on the cowering duo.

-----

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Just before being sucked up into the flowery saucer, Vergil found himself transported to a strange, cell shaded, cartoony world, careening down what appeared to be an endless incline. It was as if the world itself was rotating with little regard for gravitational law. He continued to roll, cursing everything that came to mind, until he smacked right into an enormous, yellow blob with one bent horn, two eyes, and a huge smile. As he bounced off, the world righted itself, bringing his rolling at last to a stop. He was still a bit dazed as the great blob bounded towards him.

"Mui mui!" it cried in a surprisingly high-pitched, child-like voice, considering its great mass.

"What?"

"Mui mui! Mui mui!"

"I don't know what you're saying."

Out of nowhere, lightning struck the great blob, and it shattered into about twenty smaller, identical blobs that proceeded to bounce around and surround Vergil while singing happily in their alien language. It was so cute that Vergil began feeling a bit warm and fuzzy inside. _WAIT! I, Vergil, son of Sparda, do NOT do warm and fuzzy!_ But alas, that familiar tingly feeling was growing in his stomach and crawling up his back.

"No! No! NOOOO!!!!"

Vergil took his head into his hands, fell to his knees, and sank to the ground, practically melting into the hoard of cheery, yellow blobs.

"GOD! MUNDUS! SOMEONE, SAVE ME!!"

-----

Just as Dante thought he might piss himself, the terrifying roar of the chainsaws ceased. He hesitantly opened his eyes and found himself in a completely different environment. He appeared to be in someone's bedroom, but somehow he knew he wasn't in anyone's house. The walls were metal and undecorated and the sparse furniture didn't reflect lasting occupation. His companion was nowhere in sight. A male voice from outside startled him.

"Kuwabara, kuwabara."

Dante instinctively reached behind him for his guns, only to find nothing but air. Rebellion too had disappeared. The door opened and in walked a huge Russian dude in uniform with a fucked up face reminiscent of Darth Vader, minus the awesome headgear.

"It's not like Raikov to be late- Hey! Who the hell are you?"

"Who's asking?"

"Ah, to hell with it. You'll have to do."

Lightning flew from the man's fists, strait into the defenseless Dante, rendering his body completely immobile, but not unconscious. He could only scream in utter horror as the big, scary Russian dude prepared to do the nasty.

"What the fuck are you doing!? Wait! No! Don't put that in there! GYAAAAAAH!!!"

Dante ran out of the room shrieking like a bat out of hell as soon as he was physically able, tiny blue arcs of lightning flying out of his semi-exposed ass. He quickly ducked into the nearest closet and locked the door. All of his demonic strength and cockiness also quite absent, the once proud demon hunter curled into the fetal position, rocking and whimpering. The Caffeine Goddess materialized without her normal flare, not wanting to suffocate the boy in the confined quarters.

"Aww, poor Dante can't handle playing with big boys?"

"I'm sorry I called you Barney! Get me out of here before he finds me!"

"No way! This is too sweet!"

"Please, I'll do anything!"

"Well, if you insist."

-----

Three men found themselves in Dante's bed… together… naked… in very compromising positions. The Caffeine Goddess zipped around the room clicking away at her camera from multiple angles until she finally ran out of film. Cackling, she flew out the window, hopefully never to be seen again.

"These will keep me entertained for a looooong time!"

The twins stared at each other for a few minutes, wondering what the bloody fuck had just happened to them. The brunette finally broke the silence.

"I don't think I've ever introduced myself. I'm Leon, and someone's in my ass."

"Uhh… The name's Dante, and that'd be me."

"No, I think I'm in there too…"

* * *

_footnotes: (1)The Heisenberg Compensator is a theoretical device that compensates for the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle which states that you cannot know where a subatomic particle is and where it is going simultaneously. It is the key plot hole that glues Star Trek together (warp drive can be theoretically explained) and because the writers never explain exactly how it works, it is blamed for almost every transporter malfunction that has ever occurred._

_(2)Divine Star is a well known, incredible artist that does manga, paromanga, and general masterpieces of art. She does mostly DMC, Final Fantasy, and original works. Go find her Deviant Art page. You'll be glad you did. This scene is partially inspired by one of her paromangas called "Warmth in Ice."_

_(3)I read this somewhere (I think Wikipedia.) It makes sense since they both belong to the same company, and DMC was originally meant to be this game._

_(4)I've never actually fought this badass, so my description might be off._

_(5)Inspired by the famous Penny Arcade quote, "Jesus says, 'Don't be a dick,'" so I'm not going to Hell alone._


End file.
